It’s strange starting the second year here. I already have most of my plans set up for my main classes, just fixing up the ones I used last year. The students seemed good with them, or at least all I ever heard was compliments. It would be nice to have a criticism once in a while, something to give me direction in my attempts to improve my lesson plans, but that is not something that is done here.
I don’t always think that is a bad thing, but without constructive criticism and the freedom to fail, it makes it hard to improve the way I want to. I know many people have fears of failure and mistakes, but to start over again with a new class is to see all the new students going through the same shy routine. The fear of speaking to me, of speaking at all, is as tiring as it is amusing. I’m glad I still have a sense of humor about it. Without that I think it would just aggravate me.
I keep reminding myself that most of them are children, barely out of high school where they are trained to never ask questions or really think critically, but then the post graduates are the same in their mid-twenties. Same for a few of the teachers, my age or older. I keep going through these shifts in my self-awareness, where I feel like I am not that much older than my students, then something happens and I suddenly feel so much older than them. I don’t know if it is me or if it’s how I react to the world I am in here.
Maybe it’s the perspective given to me by having my mom here to visit, or maybe it’s just all the people and places I saw while she was here. More than likely, it’s a bit of everything. It would be nice to get back into something of a pattern, but my new schedule is just as chaotic as the old one was. 10 hours, then 6, then 10, then 6, back and forth until I get cotaught classes again, filling my schedule. The annoying part is that almost all of my classes are on the other campus, which will make it harder because of travel. There was a mention of moving me to the other school, but I have made a life here, and I don’t really want to shift halfway through and try to start again in a place where there really aren’t any locals to get to know.
I wouldn’t mind moving across the country, or across the world, but moving across the city just seems like an annoyance. Sometimes it’s easier to climb a mountain that it is to walk across the street. There have been times I have just thrown together whatever is in the house rather than make the trip out to get something. It’s not so much the food itself as it is all the things that come between. The people I see, the people who see me, friends, strangers, weather. It all seems like nothing, but there have been times throughout the last year that all the nothing has been exhausting.
Maybe I have just gotten to used to this place, or this life. Maybe I am just used to shedding my life and moving on by now. I don’t really want to leave yet, but there is so much more to see. Having all I have built over the last year and adding on a whole new group of students and friends is kind of stressful too. Or maybe it’s just the memory of the past year, all the stress and problems that came with it. Knowing that this year, for all the differences, won’t be that different. Maybe it’s just not knowing whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, to repeat the year I just lived.
I don’t feel any real anticipation, but I rarely do in my life. The odd thing is that there is no real anxiety either, not like I would expect. I just feel tired, and I’m sure part of that is the cold creeping in as the Mid-Autumn festival approaches. The one great thing is knowing that I am more prepared to hibernate, and am kind of looking forward to it.