There is nothing like healing to give you a bit of hope. Things are still hard, but I didn’t choose this life because I wanted things to be easy. I can’t wait until this completely heals and I can breathe again. I’ve begun to wander, and every day I find new amazing things here. The fried street food is amazing, cooked so that it’s not oily. It’s a nice change from Mexico, even if I miss the tacos. Street food is always amazing, but so far my standards are still really high.
Class is getting easier, somewhat. It’s starting to make sense at least, and that’s all I can ask for right now. The breeze coming off the mountain is perfect, and the night is filled with the sounds of frogs, crickets, and the waterfall nearby. It’s like a vacation home, but it’s just where I live, just off the beaten path.
The trouble with school is that I can see how people might take the kid’s attitudes personally. Dramatic emotional shifts, random behavior, an arbitrary and selfish moral code, and more energy than they know what to do with. I find it easier to see them as incomplete, something being built and changed. There is potential for amazing things, even from students who carry a dark shadow.
Maybe I’ll burn out, but I’ve gotten used to choosing my reactions to things, if not always in the moment I can usually achieve it over time. Frustration is useless, they don’t really understand it. Anger can be useful, as long as it never gets close to the line. Kindness, compassion, love, I think they will take me much further than anything else.
One of the things about teaching here is that you have a native co-teacher to help. They yell more than I ever will, I just find it too exhausting. I am more than happy to let them deal with discipline on a large scale while I stick to controlling the class. The children seem to fear them more anyway, and there is no language barrier to slow the teacher down. I find the discipline to be arbitrary sometimes, but then I don’t know what is being said that might make things worse.
Dealing with all of this is a world beyond what I knew. Even dealing with my nephews or the young students at martial arts never had the depth and breadth that teaching does. Right now I still have a short schedule, I can’t imagine what it must be like for people who teach full time. The struggle against how futile it can feel take a lot of energy.
I hope it’s not always like this, but in a way I do. There is something about the chaos that feels natural. Something from before the time when we really accept social norms and laws and we just do what we will. Nothing like this could last forever, it would turn too dark too fast, like a bad horror movie. But still, the order that permeates life can be just as harmful when we accept it as our reality.
There are so many people out there in the world that know they are right, with a faith that borders on zealotry. With the internet being what it is, you can surround yourself with like minded people and never have to question the thoughts you have. You can block anything that disagrees, and the system will only recommend things that you might want to see.
What happens to control when we create our own prison and the system just reinforces it, believing that it’s in our best interest? What happens when there are no guards, we just don’t want to leave?