Finals have come and gone again. Two more papers written, two more classes done, one step closer to the next place. San Francisco is looking more likely, helping the homeless find homes and jobs, spending a couple months in a beautiful city with family. I am looking forward to taking the train up the coast to San Jose, an 11 hour trip along the coast through the sunrise and sunset. I’ll get to visit San Diego again for a few days, and maybe we can take a trip North to Oregon or Seattle. Atlanta would be fun too, but I still have no real responses from there.
I keep looking around here and thinking about all that has happened, and wondering if it was enough. That is always my question, is it enough? Did I do enough? Did I try hard enough? What I was is gone, and only matters in what karma it created, what I am still gaining and paying for. It will have to be enough, but I still have time to do more. I wonder if that will be my last thought in this world, that I still have time to do more.
I try to convince myself that time is an illusion, just something we created to organize our lives. There were things before, and there will be things after, but they will never matter as much as now. Most of the time I believe it, but there are always days when I am lost in the past or the future. I look back at my mistakes, but I don’t have many regrets anymore. I also don’t have many hopes for the future either. I know it will be good, it will be bad, and eventually it will end. I just hope to spit in the devil’s eye and go out laughing. I don’t think there is a worse fate than to die afraid.
I can’t wait to leave this place, but a lot of that is the money. I still don’t have a full schedule, and I just don’t have the money to travel like I want to. I may have to come back to Mexico one day to see the South, but I’ll be happy if I get to see Colima and climb the volcano before I go. It would be nice to head up North through Queretaro and Cuernavaca also, if the plan works out in November. Did I see enough of Mexico while I was here?
I have made a lot of friends here, and it’s good to know that I will be able to find people anywhere that I can get along with. I laughed more than I despaired, and I have a few good stories to tell. The trips I have made, the people I met, even the people I spoke to on the street only once are a treasure for me. I will remember them as long as I can. There are so many moments lost already, but I’m always glad we get to keep the feeling long after the memory of the event fades. But did I try hard enough to make friends? Did I try hard enough to hold on to them? Did I let go too easily?
I am glad I took up collecting art while I could afford it. Some of the pictures are from places that only I will remember, tied to memories that no one else will ever have. I like the idea of being unique in the world, but the truth is that I am not that different than so many others. I walk the road less traveled, but as long as it’s a road there have been people there before, even if it was just to leave garbage along the way. Should I have gone further than I did? What did I miss along the way?
I have made my life about questions more than about answers. There is a comfort for me in questions, a peace that comes with seeking the truth. At what point do I begin to accept the answers I find? There are truths out there, but trying to find the words that explain them is beyond my ability. I like to say that everything I say is a lie, but sometimes that’s only because I can only explain the truth sideways. Is it enough, or am not looking hard enough? Sometimes, the questions lose all value before I find answers. Maybe that’s the point, that I’m still trying to live up to someone else’s standards, even if its the standard I believe God has set for me. How do we free ourselves from that delusion, that there is something more, or something broken about us? I’m starting to think that’s a much better question.