Looking forward.

It’s always tough moving away from home, even when it’s not really home anymore. My family is moving from San Diego to Atlanta, and all the reasons make sense. It’s still difficult. One less reason to come home, less time to see the people I want to, and one more question of the value of the trip. Where do I go from here? There is something distracting about it, and about everything in my life right now.

I’m seeing patterns, connections, where I may not have at any other time. I’m questioning my life from a different perspective. There is a sadness from this perspective, but it’s missing the fear that usually sits in the background of everything in my life. It’s very strange to not be afraid, to not have that anxiety. To be able to say yes to things without overanalyzing them, at least not until after the moment is gone. I often miss those moments, listening to fear. I stopped obeying fear years ago, but not hearing the voice when I expect to is very strange. It’s like leaving home without my phone. It’s not bad, but I notice the weight is gone.

I took a flight with Hotsauce, and the fear never showed up, at least not for me. The look on the Heralds face when he found out was priceless. His comment was, “But God hates him.” It was a good flight. The turbulence was fairly minor, and he brought a camera that weighed at least fifteen pounds. Excellent pictures, but there was no real zoom on it. The camera kept me distracted from thinking about the thin protection between me and the five thousand foot drop to the ground. It was awesome though, flying to Pamona for dinner with two of my oldest friends. They were just as strange as I expected them to be.

There are other times in the last week where I made decisions without fear, some bad, mostly good. I hope it’s a turning point in my life, the thing I’ve been working toward for so long. Fear is a good thing when it keeps you safe, but a future without it would be wonderful. It’s strange, but I never found the ordinary interesting.

I keep thinking over the events of the last week and the direction my life has taken. The conversation I had, the potential for the future, the limits I held to, the relationship that has connection without substance, and the one that is a memory. Most of the time, my life changes at a crawl, filled with analysis and doubt. Suddenly that has changed, and it may be one of the best things ever to happen to me. The fear whispers that it is a fluke, only temporary, but it is only a whisper.

Leaving home is a hard thing to do, but without the fear I don’t have the same questions and problems I used to. The pain is loss, but it’s only when you lose everything that you’re free to do anything. Fight Club philosophy, but I find it’s true. I stayed in Guadalajara because I could be home in a few hours if I needed to be. It was a safe staging point, a place to test the waters before I traveled safely into the world.

Now, there is far less reason to stay there. There is work in other places, but I don’t have to focus on staying in reach. I’m looking at staying in Mexico, but also at Taiwan and South Africa. I am looking at what could be, and I see more potential than I ever did before. As strange as it is, I am content.

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One Response to Looking forward.

  1. mom says:

    Sounds like you’re letting your fear abandon you. Thats a good thing. Mostly. We all need a little dose of fear to keep us grounded and safe. Thank you for coming to help. You didn’t have to, and I appreciate it, even though this move is beating us all down. The trip will be good. New adventures, my son. I love you.


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